R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
