I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
