If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
