I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
i think my cat just said my name.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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