Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
