We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
