your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
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