So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
