And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
