I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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