If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
The beer is more important than you right now.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
