i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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