Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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