i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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