u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I booty called her while she was in labor.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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