I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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