Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
I know her cup size but not her name....
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
