Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
