He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I think I just sharted jello shots
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