I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Actions speak louder than pants.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Randomize
