wanna go halves on a baby?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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