theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
