airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
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