Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Randomize
