he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
