Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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