So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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