I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
