wanna go halves on a baby?
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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