My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
