i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
