booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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