so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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