Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Randomize
