Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
