I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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