He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
she told me i tasted like america
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
