defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
