Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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