i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
