and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
