if you like me you must not know who I am
Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
