i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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