all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
