I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
