I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
BRING THE BAGELS
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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