FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
