Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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