I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
