I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
