Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Dignity is for republicans.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
