I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Randomize
